| (no subject) |
[Nov. 20th, 2010|12:02 am] |
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I've developed an expectation that this misadventure of a life of mine is just training so that I can better help others some day. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 22nd, 2010|10:51 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drunk | ] |
| [ | music |
| | gregor samsa | ] |
It's a slowly growing list but I'm honing in on the things that make me most at peace.
First and foremost, the lessening of an awareness of myself, and with that, naturally, the increasing of an awareness on the most crucial things. Doing what needs to be done, with clarity, and doing so with a compassionate awareness of everything around me.
Anxiety seems to fade away when I am in tune with a world where I forget my own ego. Less chaotic, more peaceful, I'm happier and I'm a better person. It's a work in progress :)
Secondly, to indulge an unbridled inspiration and the means to let it breathe :)
A thirdly would be to be at peace and in love with someone amazing, with who I can really share myself and their self - but as I'm a person who is unable to play by normal rules here I'll take one step at a time. And I can't take away from the love for friends and family anyway :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 10th, 2009|12:46 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | drunk | ] |
| [ | music |
| | ben woods | ] |
I concern myself with so much, all the time. My mind just keeps trying to analyze everything and that is a key ingredient of all of my problems. These problems are simply pro-active negative thought; logic manipulated by some sort of subtle, anxiety ridden backdrop that perhaps is just a part of me. The anxiety alone wouldn't be so bad if it weren't so clued into my logical bent. If only. I can taint the most beautiful moments simply by realising that I can. The moment that particular thought steps forward, the cage is unlocked, and, if the environment is right, out steps this subtle, destructive beast.
Moments that should be serene are taken from me. If they're not replaced with some woeful, uncomfortable situation then they're simply nullified and I'm left empty.
I must say of course that there's a positive side. When the cage door is closed I take the utmost pleasure in little things, maybe because I just cannot take them for granted. When a cool wind rushes down the street on the way to work; while others bury their neck in their collar and their hands in their pockets, I imagine I'm trudging through crisp snow on some mountain ridge, indeed I feel like I actually am. It's an imagination that transcends the visual. When a leaf falls in autumn I see the leaf for everything it can symbolise. The smile on my face in that moment spreads to the next thing I experience and so on.
One moment I can be anything I want to be, and in other moments I can't leave the house. This treads right back to my childhood. My comfort zone was my world. A tiny place made limitless by this imagination.
I don't have any answers for myself in writing this, it's just what is coming out at the bottom end of a bottle, (with cool, calm melancholic piano in my ears no less).
I feel that what I must do is achieve the relative absence of stress, (with stress being a creeping, insidious thing that most people suffer unwittingly. I despise the stuff). I think then, while my eccentricities will affect me just as much, I should have a healthy slant to the positive aspects. I could be happy being that character, it's a character I do respect when I'm there.
It's probably bed time, goodnight :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 31st, 2009|11:35 pm] |
It has been four years now in the heart of the city.
I dreamt last night I was climbing Mt Egmont (Mt Taranaki). A mountain I have climbed so many times before. The air is so fresh up there; the absence of noise is beautiful.
Through my teenage years I worked for the old man as a surveyors chainman on many Taranaki farms. There was nothing more peaceful than the quiet moments, sitting high up on the side of a wide, grassy valley, with the senses soaking nothing but nature; noone there but me.
It has been four years here. This place indulges anxiety, it inflates ego, it amplifies stress. I have been here four years and I shouldn't be here any longer. I just don't know how to leave or where to go next. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 5th, 2009|09:22 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Eddie Vedder - Into The Wild soundtrack | ] |
Last night in my dreams I was high up on plains amongst the mountains. Under a bright sun I trudged through crisp, white snow to a distant hillside, where the snow was sparse but rock, moss and alpine shrub were abundant. Around me were some sheep that were entirely at ease with my presence. And there I sat and soaked it all in.
It was plotless and short, yet vivid, relaxing and wonderfully complete. I awoke wanting for hiking with snow and rock underfoot with an imposing, mountainous horizon and with the perfect peace that comes in such a world. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 9th, 2009|11:20 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | emiliana torrini | ] |
It's possible that I read too many war autobiographies. |
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| quick notes on things gone awry |
[Mar. 6th, 2009|11:16 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | tipsy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | random movie scores | ] |
In an unfortunate turn of events we were burgled about a month ago, while we slept no less. The burglars crept in, took only the most valuable of items and only from the common areas.
The most irksome thing about it all for me was that both of my laptops and my camera were in the lounge, which is not normally the case. About three months prior I backed up all my photos and documents of any importance onto an external hard drive, however that was in the lounge also.
This all sounds like it's heading down the road to some disastrous conclusion but the saving grace of the matter is that while they stole both of my laptops and my camera, they did unplug the harddrive and left it there, which changes everything.
Shortly after making the police report I received word that my camera had been found but not the laptops, however I would not have the camera back until the court case was completed. As this would take a while I put in an insurance claim, and as I really didn't know what condition my camera was in, I, er, claimed on that also.
Soooo the end result is that about a week ago I received two new laptops from the insurance company and a handy little sum of money for the camera. I have since had my camera returned which is in good working order (although it does have photos of the burglars family on it, which is uncomfortable). This leads to the inevitable moral problem of what to do with the insurance money and I can't (and don't really want to) escape the conclusion that it must be given away. Not sure where to however.
Since then I have also received a bonus from work and have sold one of the laptops. By chance I'm debt free as of my last paycheck. With all this in mind, once payday comes around I am buying this (plus accessories):
Canon 17-55m 2.8 IS USM lens
This purchase has been far too long in coming. And probably makes no sense to anyone but me :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 18th, 2009|11:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | drunk | ] |
| [ | music |
| | lou rhodes | ] |
I'm a ghost in this journal now, but it's fairer to say that I'm in some kind of literary hibernation. I could justify saying that the hibernation extends further than that but it's besides the point. The point is that I will be back, sometime.
I might be in some kind of survival mode. The beautiful extremities of character, those things most fragile; these wings are tucked away for now.
/ I'm ok, by the way, I just need to work on growing in some more simple ways to make the meaningful things sustainable :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 2nd, 2008|10:23 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | drunk | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Ennio Morricone - The Good, the Bad and the Ugly | ] |
Once again I start writing in the same heartfelt fashion that fuelled previous journal forays of old. Except once again I have just deleted words before they could ever be saved. I bite my tongue more and more and words are again lost forever. And so the sentiments of the moment leave no scar. |
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andynz81's journal
